Tips To Try To Help Keep Your Teen Talking

Has your teenager become so silent that you wonder if you still speak the same language? Are you hanging onto each syllable, trying to glean one iota of information about what's going on in his life?

Don't despair. You're not alone. Many parents of adolescents struggle when it comes to communicating with their children. But while kids' movements toward independence are normal between the ages of 12 and 18, there are tactics moms and dads can try to help keep their teens talking:

• Comment on non-verbal behavior: Teenagers can say legions with their expressions, postures and attitudes. Interpreting sentiments for them, such as "You really seem down today," lets them know you care how they're doing and opens the door for further conversation.
• Ask for comments and opinions: Teenagers have views about almost everything and enjoy discussing them with sincerely interested adults. Utilize opportune moments around the dinner table or while driving in the car to ask, "So, what do you think about the elections?" or "How do you feel about kids who smoke at your school?" You'll be gaining insights into their thoughts and feelings while conveying the message, "I like to talk with you."
• Listen carefully when teenagers talk: Put down your newspaper and turn off the TV when teenagers have something to say. They may not always discuss issues of utmost importance to you, but giving them your full attention on the little matters means they're more likely to come to you on the big ones.
• Avoid editorializing: Keep your opinions about what your teenager is saying to yourself. They want you to listen, not berate their friends, preferences or decisions.
• Respect teenagers' struggles: Being a teenager is not an easy process. Adolescents crave understanding from their folks about the challenges they face. Avoid the temptation to relate "When-I-was-your-age" stories. They're not only perceived as irrelevant by your children, but they can subtly trivialize what youngsters are feeling. For example, after 13-year-old Joshua complained about having lots of homework one night, his mother retorted, "I wasn't as lazy when I was your age. I studied hard every night." Joshua felt put down by his mom's response, and he seldom spoke to her about his schoolwork again.
• Use creative alternatives for the word "no": Adolescents seek control of their lives and therefore chafe against all manifestations of adult authority. Avoid going head to head with your teenager by providing several options to a problem or by showing a willingness to arrive at a compromise.

For instance, when Jim didn't want 16-year-old Melody to take the family car for the evening, he told her, "I know you need a ride tonight. But it's not practical for you to take our car. Let's see what other arrangements we can figure out."

• Avoid giving advice or solving their problems: Teenagers want you to listen and support them. They do not want you to solve their every crisis. Parents who are overly eager to fix kids' lives inadvertently undermine teenagers' esteem by saying, "We don't think you can handle this on your own." Instead, resist the temptation to find solutions, and offer simply, "That's a big decision you have to make. I know you'll make just the right one for yourself."
• Respect teenagers' rights to remain silent: Al your best efforts may still not produce a communicative teenager. But don't give up. Your non-stop efforts to talk show teenagers you care about how they're doing and that you're available when they need you.

By Linda Lewis Griffith
A marriage and family counselor.